This article would be a good read if your children struggle to cope with feelings and have problems keeping friends when losing a game or not being first.
Hey There,
For some children, losing an object in a game or a game is challenging and can cause problematic behaviours for adults and their peers. This week, I utilise my old article for those who struggle with children's unhappy, challenging responses or try to find ways to teach them and support them when they lose the game.
My name is Beata Bednarska, and welcome to Bea Inclusive TV and Podcast, the place to learn and develop your skills so you can teach and support children’s development in language, communication, social skills, and behaviour.
Welcome to the Q&A on Thursday, where I answer your questions. In this episode of Q&A, you will learn about:
Why some pupils find it challenging to deal with winning and losing concepts
Possible reasons children may struggle with these concepts
How to teach children to cope with losing
The importance of teaching children to cope with losing
Big thank you to Bev, who sent me this excellent question:
“I’m wondering if you can advise me on any ideas for teaching a particular pupil to accept losing. I find it hard to plan activities other than simple builds. When playing football, he will do anything to win… pushing other pupils over; he feels he is the best. Therefore, he must make all the decisions and take all the shots. He quickly loses focus during Lego (and class activities) if the pace is too slow or if another pupil finds it tricky to verbalise their thoughts. We’ve now got other parents saying they don’t want their child to play with him due to his impulsiveness.
I also have two Year One pupils, both with ASC. They will hit and shout, ‘I don’t want to win,’ they will both blame each other, saying, ‘It’s your fault.’ They are both very vocal and often have tears of anger when the other wins a game. Take your pick. I look forward to your blog and increasing my Lego® knowledge to support the children in developing new skills. Lego®-based therapy is by far the best tool I use.”
Thank you, Bev. This is an excellent question, as many teachers and parents struggle with this, and I was no exception. Let’s get this party started!
Why do some pupils need help dealing with winning and losing concepts?
Losing a game can be difficult for some children with ASC (Autistic Spectrum Condition). They may struggle to self-regulate and express their disappointment calmly and socially acceptable. They could shout, swear, hit, damage the game, hide or throw elements of the game, throw a tantrum, or have an emotional outburst.
What are the possible reasons that children may struggle with that?
Lack of losing experiences: Parents or supporting adults may have allowed them to win all the time, so they didn’t develop coping strategies when they failed.
Struggle with the “Theory of Mind”: Understanding that people have intentions, desires, and beliefs that are different from their own. They may struggle with the concept that all children can be good at playing the game and have the same chance to win.
Struggle with “Impaired Executive Functioning”: Cognitive processes that help us regulate, control, and manage our thoughts and actions. They may struggle with self-regulation or have poor impulse control.
Rigidity of thinking: Inflexibility of thinking and focusing on a single aspect of the activity, in our case – winning the game.
How to teach the child to cope with losing:
Start with one-on-one short sessions and play a simple game, such as throwing a bean bag into a bucket or playing Pop-up Pirate. Choose a game that does not excite the child much to make it easier to model the response.
When the child masters the skills with you, generalise the activity to different places or adults.
Introduce another child and gradually progress to a small group of 3-4 children before expecting the child to cope with this skill in the classroom or playground.
Allow the student to win 2-3 times so you can model the things to say when they don’t win, such as: “Well done, I’ll get you next time,” “I lost, that was fun, let’s play again,” “I lost again, I’m disappointed, but I’ll do my best to win next time.”
Prepare visual support, such as verbal prompts, so they can choose what to say when the child loses.
Ask the child what level they would like to play at: Easy (fair chance of winning), Difficult (winning is not easy so that you may lose), or Hard (more likely to lose). Prepare necessary visual support accordingly.
Reinforce and praise each time the child stays calm or use visual prompts to help them accept not winning. Ignore temper tantrums (crying, shouting, stomping feet, or throwing themselves onto the floor). Avoid looking at the child and limit talking. When calm, give positive attention and two choices (play the game again or do something else).
Reflect on the child’s feelings and model the correct response. Practice the responses.
Teach the child self-regulatory skills, such as square and belly breathing, to cope with losing.
Support the whole process with a social story – illustrating facts around the concept of losing the game and giving the child potential tools to cope with the disappointment by teaching them new positive responses to the situation.
Alternatively, watch children's movies about winning and losing or use real video case studies from your school.
Why is it important to teach children to cope with losing?
Losing games:
Teaches empathy and how to cope with losing
It helps children learn from their mistakes and think about strategies to improve
Teaches children that success requires hard work and effort
Children who do not experience losing can grow anxious because they see the possibility of not winning as harmful and cannot deal with situations that don’t go their way. Children who do not cope with their feelings have problems keeping friends when they lose a game or are not first. Peers are likelier to exclude them from play because they make others uncomfortable.
If you would like to teach losing skills but don’t have enough hours in the day to prepare the resources, then I suggest downloading my free pack, which includes:
Prompting cards for what to say when losing the game
Different levels of the game prompt cards
Let’s square breathe visual support
Choice board and four different options
An example of a social story about losing
Anger rules
Lego®-based therapy easy games to practice losing skills
You can watch this old video about this here:
Now, I would love to hear from you!
After you’ve finished, join the discussion below in the comment box and share what you’ve learned and the impact of teaching this skill on your pupils’ lives. Please let me know what you think of today’s episode, and if you have more questions, contact me @BeaInclusive on all social media channels or write in the blog’s comment box below this video on www.beainclusive.com.
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Thank you so much for being here with me. I’m so fortunate that I can share my passion with you.
Until next time,
Beata Bednarska
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